I found the words.
I'm grateful for the good times I've had with the friends that aren't around anymore. Things just seem to happen that are out of my control and I'm really sad that things ended the way that they did.
I always try my best to be a good friend but I can't help but think there must be something wrong with me. I've been a loner for most of my life but in the last couple years I started putting myself out there and meeting new people.
Unfortunately putting myself out there has caused a lot of heartache and loss. I wish more than anything I could have a good group of friends that always have my back, enjoyable to have around and just to hang with every weekend and talk to throughout the week.
Lately it's been a struggle to not isolate myself. I'm honestly scared of making new friends or getting closer to the ones I already have because I feel like no matter what I do or how hard I try they will always leave eventually. I've never had trust issues before but I do now.
A lot of me wants to shut everyone out, quit streaming, shut down my Etsy shop, only draw for fun, and go back to being a housewife that just keeps to herself.
The fact that the happiest I've ever been in my life was so short lived is what hurts the most. I finally had everything I wanted. My stream was full of friends and people I enjoyed to be around, I had the largest group of IRL friends I've ever had, whom I loved and who I thought were real friends. Only to have it all taken away from me within a year.
But I am trying to push through. I'm still streaming. I'm still drawing/painting and trying to grow my Etsy shop. I really don't want to give up no matter how much my anxiety or my fucking hand pain tells me to.
It's so incredibly difficult to keep going. But I won't give up... I can't give up....
I always try my best to be a good friend but I can't help but think there must be something wrong with me. I've been a loner for most of my life but in the last couple years I started putting myself out there and meeting new people.
Unfortunately putting myself out there has caused a lot of heartache and loss. I wish more than anything I could have a good group of friends that always have my back, enjoyable to have around and just to hang with every weekend and talk to throughout the week.
Lately it's been a struggle to not isolate myself. I'm honestly scared of making new friends or getting closer to the ones I already have because I feel like no matter what I do or how hard I try they will always leave eventually. I've never had trust issues before but I do now.
A lot of me wants to shut everyone out, quit streaming, shut down my Etsy shop, only draw for fun, and go back to being a housewife that just keeps to herself.
The fact that the happiest I've ever been in my life was so short lived is what hurts the most. I finally had everything I wanted. My stream was full of friends and people I enjoyed to be around, I had the largest group of IRL friends I've ever had, whom I loved and who I thought were real friends. Only to have it all taken away from me within a year.
But I am trying to push through. I'm still streaming. I'm still drawing/painting and trying to grow my Etsy shop. I really don't want to give up no matter how much my anxiety or my fucking hand pain tells me to.
It's so incredibly difficult to keep going. But I won't give up... I can't give up....
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